It Don't Come Easy
by Maddog1
Summary: Set at the end of Kobol's Last Gleaming Part 1, Starbuck muses about redemption and pain.


It Don't Come Easy  
By Maddog

_It don't come easy, you know it don't come easy  
It don't come easy, you know it don't come easy  
Got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues  
And you know it don't come easy  
You don't have to shout or leap about  
You can even play them easy  
Forget about the past and all your sorrow  
The future won't last  
It will soon be your tomorrow  
__ by Richard Starkey_

The inside of the Raider still smelled slightly of a combination of old gym socks and cat pee and she should have accepted Cally's offer of one of the deodorant bags the deck crew threw on nasty smelling spills. Maybe when she was at the museum she could pick up one of those sachet's shaped like the statue of Artemis Ascendant or something. Starbuck wondered why such a silly thought was crossing her mind as the commander's deep, harsh voice blared from the speaker. "I do not regret anything I did. Be sure that whatever you're gonna do, you don't regret it later, do you understand me?"

"I guess we'll find out," Kara responded in the only manner that she could, as the warrior Starbuck. Never let them see you sweat, keep them guessing, do the unexpected, never play it easy, she mused as her fingers typed in the information to make the jump to Caprica. I'm Starbuck and I can't resist playing with fire, the bigger the better, the better the chance to burn.

FIVE

_I don't ask for much, I only want your trust  
And you know it don't come easy  
And this love of mine keeps growing all the time  
And you know it don't come easy  
Open up your heart, let's come together  
Use a little luck, and we will make it work out better_

You frakkin' lied to me, old man. You looked at me and there was nothing in your eyes to tell me you were lying. Stupid, Starbuck told herself, why'd she go and let herself trust him? Trust is shit and she knew it. You could trust your fellow pilots to go to the wall for you, back you up in a fight, never leave you behind. They wouldn't let anybody pull any serious crap on her because they knew she had their back. But anything other than that? Kara hid the idols of her childhood gods, hid her doubts and fears, hid anything the unbreakable Starbuck would never have.

Kara knew what her first mistake had been. Loving Zak Adama, letting him get close enough to her, close enough so Starbuck the great pilot and flight instructor made a mistake.

FOUR

Then came her second misstep, such a small slip-up at first. Letting her respect for Commander Adama intertwine with her appreciation that the man had brought her to Galactica after her meltdown over losing Zak. Respect, admiration, devotion, those frakkin' emotions had led to her loving the man. And than those horrible, hateful words that had felt so good. Kara had felt so good for the split second when William Adama had said "I love you like a daughter". Her own mother never cuddled her and told her she was a good girl and her mommy loved her. She had so wanted the love the Commander offered just as she had wanted the love that Zak had offered. But Kara and Starbuck had messed up so badly with Zak, and she'd watched the warmth in Adama's eyes turn into a wall of anger.

THREE

_I don't ask for much, I only want your trust  
And you know it don't come easy  
this love of mine is growing all the time  
And you know it don't come easy_

Redemption in Adama's eyes, Kara had found that. Redemption came from the wildness of Starbuck taking on eight Raiders by herself. Redemption came from grabbing the whirlwind and not letting go. Forgiveness can be gotten from the place her mother always told her it came from, penance and pain. How much pain would it take this time to get Lee to forgive her? How much for the old man?

What the frak did she care really? The fire she was playing with this time burned so hot it would probably kill her. If the Cylons didn't blow her out of the sky when she got to Caprica, maybe the radiation would kill her so fast that she'd never have a chance to leave the planet. And if she did find the arrow of Apollo and make it back to the Galactica? Would finding the way to Earth be payment enough for all the shit she'd done?

TWO

"What are you doing, Kara?" the speaker blared Lee's voice. His voice sure isn't like his dad's; she thought randomly, Lee's was all creamy smoothness covering the hardness. She wondered why he was trying to talk to Kara and not Starbuck. Didn't he want to talk to his second-in-command, his best pilot? No, he wanted to talk to Kara who had slept with Baltar because she'd been drunk, horny and, as usual when she was drunk, angry at all the world especially herself.

There wasn't an answer to give to Lee, she decided. Starbuck would have said something smartass and Kara would have tried to say something about believing in the gods and trying to find true hope for their people. And neither of those things would have been the truth; she wanted the adrenaline of a fight to fill her. She wanted the fear of not knowing what was about to happen consume her. She wanted to blot out everything that had happened with Lee, with Adama, with Baltar and all of the thousands of stupid mistakes she had made. She wanted the world outside herself to mirror what she felt inside. She wanted it all to burn as bright as the stars outside the Raider. With the flame came the pain that would make everything go away.

ONE

_Got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues  
And you know it don't come easy  
You don't have to shout or leap about_

_You can even play them easy  
Please remember peace is how we make it  
Here within your reach, is your freedom to take it_


End file.
